By Rock Modo
It has been an unsettled winter in the old country. A scoundrel virus has been stalking the citizens and many of the children are sick at home. It is a sad situation. So many in the neighborhood are confined that the streets are eerily silent. School has been cancelled. The illness has spread throughout the entire Ukraine. There is no end in sight. What will happen? The virus only harms human children. Puppy and Coyote, the Choonie-Moonies and our special Kittens will be fine. They will not be touched by this marauder. But our Kittens have been chosen by the Great Kitten to aid all children everywhere, be they human or animal. They are so upset. They have been pacing the McDonut house for days seeking a solution to the crisis. “But we are only kittens. What can we do? There must be a cure?” But with perseverance comes inspiration. They run to the living room mewing wildly. “Mommy, Daddy. We do not want our allowance this month. We have a special favor to ask. All the children in the country are sick. We are so sad. Could you buy us a “Learn about Science Kitten Chemistry Kit? We must try to help. Please, please, please, please. The poor children are suffering. There must be a cure. We will be good kittens.” “You are always good kittens my little darlings. Let us look together and choose the best kit for you. Little IPad will help us dears. Gather around.” Annie launches the search for a special kit for special kittens. “No, no. Maybe? Perhaps? Oh never. Patience dears. The perfect one will appear if we do not abandon hope.” “Meow, meow, meow, meow! It is perfect. And it is pink. The Science with Heart P2000. That’s it!” “Done my sweet kittens.” “Is it Amazon? We will wait every day and give the man our paw print when it arrives.” “Oh my darlings. Of course. I know that you must help. Such wonderful Kittens!”
Our junior kitten scientists pace anxiously. They realize that it will be a difficult task to find the cure. Meanwhile, as they wait for delivery, they write “A Prayer to the Great Kitten.” They will ask the Great Kitten for guidance. “Let us pray Sister. Great Kitten. Mother of us all. Mistress who watches over our naps and keeps us safe. Giver of yummy tuna. We thank you for our lovely home and family and the blessings you have granted. Please listen with favor to our plea for the children. Our hearts break that they suffer, just as yours does. We pray for your guidance so that we might seek a remedy that could break their pain and misery. We know that you are busy in these troubled times Great Kitten, but if you could spare us a moment, please direct your unworthy daughters so that we might find an end to this tragedy. Amen.” Of course the Great Kitten is listening. “Bing, bing, boing,” goes the IPad. “Kittens. Thank you for your concern. I have Skyped so you might learn. The solution to this crisis is in all of us. We must work together. I know of your Kitten Science Kit. I will make suggestions my sweethearts. Please write this down. These are ingredients but the rest is up to you. Remember, you must make it with love darlings. Only then will the potion mature properly and success be yours. Please be careful. Science can be rewarding, but also dangerous. Remember my instructions well. But the mixture is your decision and the secret ingredient yours alone. This is the essence of the cure. Now my children. I must leave you. There is so much to be done. I love you my daughters.” “We love you Great Kitten.”
Pace, pace, pace, pace. Will it ever be here? “Ding, dong, ding, dong.” “At last. Let our work begin.” The Kittens give their paw print to the delivery man and eagerly tear the package open. Annie hears the excitement. “Ah. At last dears. Let us go to your little table and unpack this properly so you may begin. You must be careful kittens.” “The Great Kitten has warned us and she has given her instructions.” “I am so glad you contacted your Goddess and prayed for her aid. Such good kittens. We will set everything up for you. The rest is up to my junior scientists.” Our Kittens understand the process. They line all of their test tubes and bottles to begin their experiment. What are these? Emulsifier? Accelerant? That’s not right. A comes before E. Everything in its order. Meow, meow, meow. This little book talks of genetic recombination. That seems so complicated. The Great Kitten said mix this and this and this and also this. Our little scientists put a different color paw print on each bottle as they add it. The ingredients are correct, but the potion is still not right. It must be pink before it is ready. “The formula from our Mother does not work. It is too weak. She said make it with love. What did she mean? We must continue. We are tired and frustrated, but won’t give up. What would our brother Puppy do? He would chase and chase and chase the ball until it cried, ”Mercy Puppy.” Then they would rest for a while and be right back on the game. Let us be like Puppy. We will solve this my sister”. And after a little cat nap they stretch and Yellow Kitten has a perfect idea. There must be a magic ingredient. She said make it with love and it will work. I have it sister. Kitten breaths. It is not science but it is love. Let us try it. Big, big, deep kitten breaths. It is for the children. Poor little things. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Our junior scientists seal the vials. “We must give it time sister. Now it must bake, just as Misha and the Choonies bake McDonuts to mix all the yummy flavors. Let it grow and strengthen and success will be ours!” The Kittens will let this brew until the color is perfect. “I know that the children are waiting, but all in good time my sister. When it is the color of raspberry icing it will be done. Of this we are sure. But the color does not look quite right. It is pink, but faint. “Nonetheless we must try it. Pheeeew. It is horrible. I am sure it will work sister. Let us ask Misha and the Choonies if we can bake it into McDonuts. I think we must have root beer with raspberry icing. The root beer because it soothes the tummy and raspberry because it tastes so good. We will need two doughnuts each day for our patients. One is for medicine and the second for later, to put smiles on their little faces. Let us ask Misha and the Choonies for this special favor. “To cure the children? Of course Kittens. Each of us must do our part. We are proud of you.” And so the prototype of a doughnut vaccine was created.
When the warm yummy doughnuts arrive, our kittens are ready. They have their nurses’ uniforms and their little hats. They heap the Red Cross wagon full of healing McDonuts and set off to visit the neighbors on their pale blue Italian Kitten scooter. Each child gets two raspberry/root beer doughnuts to the delight of their worried mothers. “We will be back tomorrow. We know that these treats will help. They are medicine.” “Of course Kittens. He, he, he. Such dears.” Sure enough, the medicine begins to work, slowly but not perfectly. The children are better but not cured. “The doughnuts are not strong enough sister. What can we do? Wait! We need stronger love! Breath of the innocent. That is it. A neighborhood kitty, Sheba, is soon to have her first babies. We must be there at that time to harvest the breath of these darlings.” And they were. Our kittens collect the first breaths in little balloons as each one is born. Their eyes are not even open. How cute! Then they place each kitten at Mommy’s belly. This is it! The strongest love! “Quickly sister. We must try it immediately. Baby breath for each vial.” Sure enough, each vial is deep pink. “The cure sister. Hooray! We have done it!” It’s on with their uniforms and they quickly heap the Red Cross wagon full of fresh baked raspberry/root beer doughnuts after the Choonies deliver. Now hitch to the pale blue Kitten scooter. Vroom, vroom! No time to waste. Off through the neighborhood they fly to comfort the children. Each sick one is a little more comfy and beaming with bright smiles to greet their Kitten nurses. “Here are your McDonuts for today children. Rest well and get better soon. The Great Kitten watches over you.” “We love you Pink Kitten and Yellow Kitten.” “We will see you again tomorrow little ones, with more yummy treats.” My goodness. Next day they are so much better. Look at those red cheeks. “Hooray sister. We have done it! Our medicine works. We must find more newborn kittens. This is the secret.”
Soon all the children in the neighborhood are well. The authorities are amazed and confounded. How is this possible? Throughout the country there are so many sick ones, but here? It is a miracle. An emergency investigation is quickly launched. Every possibility is studied to the smallest detail. Sadly, there is no correlation. Every scientist in the country has a theory. Where will it lead? One day the authorities are at a once sick child’s house when a pale blue scooter pulls up. It’s the Kittens on their morning rounds. What unusual kittens these are. “Why are you visiting?” “We have been coming since the children became ill. We bring our McDonuts so the little ones might get well. Poor little darlings.” “That is lovely, but doughnuts will not kill the virus. Why did you pick this child?” “Oh no no. Meow, meow, meow. We visit every sick child. It is our mission and our duty.” “When did you begin this mission kittens?” “We have been bringing comfort for 10 days now.” “Hmm. No, it’s impossible. Doughnuts are not medicine. It is just a coincidence.” “Oh no authorities. These are special doughnuts with our special medicine. The Great Kitten blessed our Science experiments until we found the perfect mix of ingredients. Then only with the breath of newborn kittens is there enough love to make this doughnut into a cure.” “Hah! Preposterous. Doughnuts can’t be medicine. Carry on. Deliver your treats Kittens. But we cannot seriously consider this fantasy. Such a story. You are getting more like Coyote each time we see you.” Our Kittens pay them no mind. They are excited that their children are feeling better and smiling again when our nurses bring them their daily McDonuts. “Once again the Great Kitten has blessed us my sister.”
The authorities continue their efforts without success. Impossible. None of it makes sense. “Ah well. It is outrageous but these kittens are all we have. How will we explain this to the medics?” The authorities begin a doughnut experiment with children from the countryside. They wait desperately for the facts. Astonishing! It is working. The children are better immediately. Who are these kittens? But there is no other explanation. Suddenly, Snoop McDonuts is under emergency order and our Kittens are supplied with the finest laboratory. Our Snoops are working around the clock to keep up with demand. Now even Puppy and Coyote are baking with the rest of the family. Only Snoop McDonuts will do. But what a difference! The country can return to business as usual, except for Snoop McDonuts which is chugging like a Lada on a steep hill. But slowly the formula is perfected. Authorized doughnut outlets around the free World are now producing the cure and grumbling children are now released from their video games and back to school. Newborn kittens are no longer shunned. ”They are saving our children. How could we have been such fools that we could not tolerate these innocents.” Now the birth of new kittens is seen as a blessing, not a curse. Yeah! Yet there is one troubling pocket of resistance where the virus still plays its nasty game. Most of the World is cured. Only children of Democrats are better in America. Why? Our Kittens are being accused of “Fake News”. Fox is trumpeting “the Facts”. “These McDonuts are poison, made in a secret factory by Democrats plotting to harm your children.” Mr. Trump has agreed strenuously on Twitter and on the White House lawn. Let us listen to a Fox News announcer. “What is not well known is that COVID-19 was bred in the same factory in Upstate New York where Hilary makes the sex robots.” President Trump immediately agrees on Twitter. “That’s true. Oh, and the robots are quite good by the way. I own three of them. Lock her up!” Sadly, the virus is relentless in its pursuit. “Why are my followers cursed while that scoundrel Hilary is free to corrupt healthy children? Pence, look into this! What are we missing?” There are no shortage of posts throughout the Globe about the brilliant success of the Kittens of Kiev. “Impossible. Kittens? That’s like Choonie-Moonies flying to the Moon. Oh wait. That did happen. Oh what can it hurt? My numbers are plummeting. Scoundrel children! Phone the Ukraine. We need those kittens now!” An emergency call arrives for President Zelensky from the Oval Office. “This is Donald. It seems preposterous, but I hear you have the cure. Find those kittens. I need them right away. It seems that their doughnut cure is working. It is necessary for my reelection. Curse that Hilary! Air Force one will be dispatched immediately. Clear it for pick-up. Spare no expense. The election is in November.” The authorities are dispatched instantly. It is for the children after all, not Mr. Trump. Such a poltroon! Everyone knows that the Hero Kittens are part of the McDonut family. The entourage of bureaucrats arrives at Snoop McDonuts with great ceremony. “We have a special request from the White House. President Trump himself. You must lend your Kittens to the US Government for unspecified aid with the health crisis.” “Bah, not him,” mutter the Choonies. “Can’t trust that one. He has a muskrat nesting on his head. Muskrats are not our enemies, but certainly not our friends. Scoundrels!” “Now, now, Choonies. This crisis belongs to all of us no matter where we live. But you are right. No one can trust that reprobate. Annie. I will go with the Kittens. They are special and must be protected at all costs. The Choonies are master bakers and can cover my work.” “Yes, yes Misha. We bake each McDonut with love.” Thank you Choonies. We will go home and pack for the Kittens. I hope he has ordered plenty of tuna and milk for the Kitten’s breakfasts.” The Zil roars to the Snoop house and it’s off to the airport with a giant bag of medical grade McDonuts. The flight is long, but our Kittens are expert nappers. Mr. Trump himself is waiting at the airport in his giant limo. ”Let’s get this show rolling. I’ve made the announcement and the voters are waiting. The Kittens don their nursing uniforms and their Kitten scooter is unpacked. The kittens and the giant doughnut bag are hoisted into the middle seat. Misha has brought a mega sack of raspberry/root beer McDonuts. Mr. Trump’s people have picked the first neighborhood, their friends of course. “You can’t stay sir. We have this. We will shoot the commercial and then return your kittens. We are the Secret Service. The Kittens will be fine.” “No. they are part of our family and I am responsible for their safety. Annie and I are their Secret Service. Lead on, or they will remain here with me.” “Harumphhhh. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Mr. Trump won’t like this.” “Mr. Trump does not have the cure. Let’s go Kittens.” And it’s off to the neighborhood. Mr. Trump is grumpy indeed. The bodyguards put the wagon and Kitten scooter together and heap it full of delicious McDonuts. Vroom, vroom, vroom. Off go our nurses to the first house. The technicians are filming everything. These Kittens are naturals! “Ding dong, ding dong,” at each door. “Meow, meow, meow. Here is the cure for your children.” “Mother, get the shotgun. It’s Hilary’s stooges!” “But Mr. Trump is shouting out the limo window. “This is your President. Eat ‘em kids. They are good for you and they taste great. No, no, no. These are Government doughnuts, not the ones that maniac Hilary is making. Here. I’m eating another one now.” And sure enough, the children love their tasty McDonuts. “Yuuuuuuuuuuum!” The camera crew yells, Perfect! It’s a wrap. These Kittens are pros!” So now the children will no longer suffer because their parents are misinformed. The professionals head back to the studio to make the commercial. The Kittens continue with their rounds of course, until each doughnut is in the hands of a sick child. “Hmm. These doughnuts are amazing,” thinks Mr. Trump. “Even if they are Hilary’s.”
The Kittens and Misha stay long enough to teach the Master Bakers of America the secret of the miracle cure. It is only right. Soon every sick child, regardless of the prejudices of their parents has taken the cure. The job is done. “Hoooray!” Everyone is anxious to return home to their gentle house and peaceful city. There is no easy ending to this tale, even though our outcome was a happy one. It is a struggle that always has been and will continue. Our Kittens refused all honors, as they were only doing their duty. They make one request however, that their Congressional Medal of Honor be granted to Sheba, the Mother whose newborns provided the first breaths that perfected the doughnut cure. And it was so. The end.
Rosie Rumba: A big thank you goes out to Rock Modo from all of us here at the studio, especially the kids. Visit Modo on www.iggyice.us and click through to his Spotify discography when you get a chance. Let us know what you think in the comments.